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A penguin walks into a bar.....
#602333 06/01/15 10:45 am
Joined: Feb 2005
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A penguin in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself.
Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the
problem?"
"My mother died in August," his friend replied, "and left me $25,000. Then
in September my father died, leaving me $90,000."
"Losing both parents in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000." His friend continued.
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," concluded, the friend, "absolutely nothing!"


http://wadeschields.tumblr.com/

Jack of all trades . Master of fun! wink

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Re: A penguin walks into a bar.....
wadeschields #602336 06/01/15 10:51 am
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Well'ard Rocker
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Last time I heard it though, it was a Scotsman .... ! Guess the old stereotypes might not fit any more - I've never noticed any Scot that I knew be particularly tight.

When I were a lad, it was always the German-descent folks like my grandparents the Kleins and the Weimers that were supposed to be able to make a nickel scream ....

Lannis


Do dogs see police dogs and think "Oh no it's the cops!"?
Re: A penguin walks into a bar.....
wadeschields #602337 06/01/15 10:53 am
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An actor walks into a bar.
He shouts,
"HEY! Can we get some glow tape on this thing?"


"It is no measure of health, to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

Re: A penguin walks into a bar.....
wadeschields #602338 06/01/15 11:02 am
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The Scots get a bum rap for being "tight-fisted" with a dollar.

My wife is of English descent--all four grandparents.

Now, talk about CHEAP....

Re: A penguin walks into a bar.....
wadeschields #602377 06/01/15 1:12 pm
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A penguin's car breaks down. Fortunately, it happens close to a garage and he's able to coast on in. The mechanic looks it over and says to come back in an hour. There happens to be an ice cream shop across the street so the penguin waddles over to it and orders a triple dip vanilla ice cream cone. Now as we all know, penguins do not have opposable thumbs so he made a right mess of himself eating his treat. He waddles back to the garage and asks if the mechanic has figured out what went wrong with the car. The mechanic turns to the penguin and says


"Looks like you've blown a seal"

Re: A penguin walks into a bar.....
Mike Baker #602380 06/01/15 1:24 pm
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A Belgian compass:
A stick with a mirror on one end.
It does not give directions but you can see darn well who's lost tracks.

I heard that one in Canada where it was a Noofy compass. Sorry.


Ger B

Re: A penguin walks into a bar.....
wadeschields #602381 06/01/15 1:26 pm
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Howieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!




http://kevindean.zenfolio.com/

http://backstreetthunder.wordpress.com/



1973 Moto Guzzi Eldorado
2001 Road King
2006 BMW R1200GS




Re: A penguin walks into a bar.....
wadeschields #602400 06/01/15 2:45 pm
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Moto Mojo
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A guy is driving around in his car.
He has 4 penguins in the back seat.

He passes a cop who pulls him over immediately, asking "What ARE you doing with the penguins?"
The guy answers, "Well Officer, I um... er... that is we..."
and the cop cuts him off abruptly telling him,
"Take those penguins to the zoo THIS INSTANT!"

Couple days later, the same guy is driving around in his car.
He has 4 penguins in the back seat.
This time, they are all wearing sunglasses.
The same cop sees him and pulls him over immediately, asking
"HEY. What are you doing with the penguins?"
The guy answers, "Well, officer, I um... er... you see... that is, we ah..."
and the cop cuts him off abruptly saying,
"I thought I told you to take those penguins to the ZOO?"

The guy answers,
"well. We WENT to the zoo, we had a really nice time, and now we are going to the BEACH."


"It is no measure of health, to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

Re: A penguin walks into a bar.....
wadeschields #602402 06/01/15 2:48 pm
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Moto Mojo
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A baby seal walks into a bar.
Bartender says, What're you having?,
baby seals says,
Anything EXCEPT...


a Canadian Club.


"It is no measure of health, to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

Re: A penguin walks into a bar.....
wadeschields #602411 06/01/15 3:08 pm
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A giraffe walks into a bar, the barman says, hey! why the long face


http://kevindean.zenfolio.com/

http://backstreetthunder.wordpress.com/



1973 Moto Guzzi Eldorado
2001 Road King
2006 BMW R1200GS




Re: A penguin walks into a bar.....
wadeschields #603059 06/05/15 12:52 am
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I think you guys are Brit Iron-L refugees. At least, that's where I first read of penguin jokes.


Ed
1970 Bonneville
Re: A penguin walks into a bar.....
wadeschields #603083 06/05/15 7:48 am
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I went to Tha zoo the other day, it only had one dog, it was a shih tzu.

Re: A penguin walks into a bar.....
wadeschields #603124 06/05/15 4:10 pm
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AARGH!!


1965 Royal Enfield Interceptor
1969 Triumph Tiger 650
Re: A penguin walks into a bar.....
wadeschields #603135 06/05/15 5:53 pm
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Moto Mojo
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Piece of string walks into a bar.
Barman says, HEY. We dont serve strings.
String says OK, walks outside and rolls around in the parking lot,
scruffing himself considerably, and walks back in.
Barman eyes him suspicioulsy, asking,
Aren't you that string that was just here a minute ago?
Piece of string answers,
NOPE. I'm a frayed knot.


"It is no measure of health, to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

Re: A penguin walks into a bar.....
wadeschields #603173 06/05/15 10:41 pm
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Dang Ricochet, I was going to post that one. We'll have to settle for this.

A bear walks into a bar and asks for a beer.
The barman turns to him and says "Sorry, we don't serve bears".
The bear is somewhat upset at this and asks again, "Just give me a bloody beer!"
"Listen, I told you we don't serve bears and especially not bears that swear." says the barman.
The bear is now really angry.
"Just go get me a f***ing beer will ya!" screams the bear and promptly bites off and swallows the corner of the bar.
"Ok, that's it" says the barman, "I told you before, we don't serve bears, especially bears that swear and absolutely not bears on drugs!"
"Drugs? What drugs? I haven't been taking any drugs!" yells the bear.
"Well what about that bar bit you ate?"


"Live the life you love, find a god you trust and don't take it all too seriously"

Pre-units rule!

Mid fifties Triumph T100
Re: A penguin walks into a bar.....
wadeschields #603181 06/05/15 11:42 pm
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Dr. Smith discovered that an enzyme produced only by Ethiopian seagulls could be used to extend the life of porpoises almost indefinitely. He needed a pair of seagulls but found that they were only found on one beach in Africa.

So he went over there, found a pair of gulls, but as he was carrying them back to his jeep, there was a lion and a lioness sleeping in his path. Very quietly, he stepped over them, and when he did, two FBI agents stepped out of the bushes and arrested him ..... for transporting gulls across staid lions for immortal porpoises.


Do dogs see police dogs and think "Oh no it's the cops!"?
Re: A penguin walks into a bar.....
wadeschields #603191 06/06/15 5:31 am
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A sailor walks into a bar, a parrot on his shoulder.
What's his name? the bartender asks.
Dunno, the parrot answers. I only got him since an hour ago.


Ger B

Re: A penguin walks into a bar.....
Ger B #603260 06/06/15 5:19 pm
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A snail is on a bar and asks for a drink, the bar tender flicks it off the bar out of the door. Two years later the snail crawls back on the bar and says what did you do that for?

Re: A penguin walks into a bar.....
wadeschields #603298 06/06/15 11:10 pm
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How would you define a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? That's a guy that can't sleep all night worrying about whether or not there really is a dog!


Bob Kent
Re: A penguin walks into a bar.....
wadeschields #603307 06/07/15 3:42 am
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What do you call a person who is into flagellation, necrophilia and bestiality? I don't know either but they're flogging a dead horse!


"Live the life you love, find a god you trust and don't take it all too seriously"

Pre-units rule!

Mid fifties Triumph T100
Re: A penguin walks into a bar.....
wadeschields #603345 06/07/15 9:01 am
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A 100 year old goes to see the doctor for check up. The doctor finishes and says "Your in amazingly great condition. What do you attribute to having such a long life?"
"Well" says the patient, "when I get a cough I drink a little whiskey. When I get a headache I drink a little gin. When I get a upset stomach I drink a little beer. When I have a cold I drink a little brandy. When the arthritis hurts I drink a little vodka."
The doctor asks "When do you drink water?'
The oldster replies "I've never been that sick"

Re: A penguin walks into a bar.....
wadeschields #603366 06/07/15 10:34 am
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http://www.triumphexp.com/phorum/read.php?8,912926,912926#msg-912926

(to see where this thread is headed)


Rich (last remaining member ThreeMustGetBeers)
"It's not always about going fast. Sometimes it's nice to slow down" (Wendy E.2016)

69 bonney
72 commando
75 commando interstate
06 Suzu..Suzu.. uh appliance
couple of beesas a ducati
and the Snake Bike
and a Honda?
Re: A penguin walks into a bar.....
wadeschields #603367 06/07/15 10:36 am
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A penguin parks his Commando outside the church and goes in to the confessional.

"Forgive me Father for I have sinned. I haven't checked my ISO's for over a year, and I've used some awful language."

"The ISO's are far to serious for me to deal with," says the Priest. "When did you use this awful language?"

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that was hanging over the fairway and fell straight down after only going about a hundred yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No Father," says the Penguin. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in it's mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asked the priest again.

"Well no," says the Penguin."you see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of sky, grabbed the squirrel in it's talons and began to fly away!"

"And THAT is when you swore?" asks the amazed Priest.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball"

"Did you swear THEN?" asked the Priest, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the bunker, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

Both Penguin and the Priest were silent for a moment. Then the Priest sighed and said,

"You missed the [email protected]#!ing putt, didn't you?"


Rich (last remaining member ThreeMustGetBeers)
"It's not always about going fast. Sometimes it's nice to slow down" (Wendy E.2016)

69 bonney
72 commando
75 commando interstate
06 Suzu..Suzu.. uh appliance
couple of beesas a ducati
and the Snake Bike
and a Honda?
Re: A penguin walks into a bar.....
wadeschields #603370 06/07/15 10:48 am
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Moses & Jesus were on the golf course. They flipped a coin to see who would tee off first. Jesus won the toss, and stepped up to the tee. He skied the shot off left, into the trees.
A snake slithered out of the woods with Jesus' ball in its mouth.
An eagle swooped down, picked up the snake, carried it along the fairway, dropping the snake on the green.
The snake spit out the ball, which rolled cleanly into the cup- scoring Jesus a hole-in-one.

Jesus looked smugly at Moses, and folded his arms across his chest with a grin.
Moses says,
"You gonna play golf, or you gonna f*** around?"

Last edited by ricochetrider; 06/07/15 10:49 am.

"It is no measure of health, to be well adjusted to a profoundly sick society."

Re: A penguin walks into a bar.....
wadeschields #603414 06/07/15 1:55 pm
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Well'ard Rocker
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Pretty bad taste, I'd say. I guess tolerance and consideration is only the rule in certain areas of life. Others are do what you want, regardless of what others think.

Lannis


Do dogs see police dogs and think "Oh no it's the cops!"?
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